Monday, 29 June 2020

I really don't like this new normal.

I can’t believe it is already the end of June 2020 I am so annoyed at myself on many levels. The first being that I have been a big tart and stopped blogging, one thing that I really do enjoy and know it really helps me. I started this blog as I have said before in the hope that I might be able to help just one disabled person come to accept who they are whether they need to lose weight or not.
I have said before I actually didn’t expect family and friends to read this, I haven’t felt able to post anything because I haven’t wanted anyone to know how I have been really feeling, I wanted to be really brave and just get on with things , I should of learnt a long time ago what I want and what actually get are often not the same thing. I have been really struggling on many levels and I am cross that I havent felt able to share this as I am always the first to go on about we shouldn’t be embarrassed how we feel, but that ok when it isn’t me.
I don’t want my first post to go on and on and bore the pants off you so I am going to try and just do a really quick summary and see how it I hear you saying I bet she can’t keep her word. As you can see from my picture taken yesterday like most people my hair has grown, it hasn’t been this long in over 22 years now I feel very old, I have lost more muscle but that’s another story but I can still stand which I am so grateful for, Seabass is still by my side everyday and is one of the best decisions we ever made was getting a Bulldog I can’t believe I am saying that. I think I am going to be incredibly grateful for this photo and a hair bobble but I will come back to this.
So what’s been up then, well I was busy worrying about my future the MD was progressing rapidly and I really didn’t know which way I wanted my life to go then we started hearing these reports off COVID 19, well my world has gone totally upside down on many levels.  We have all been scared I am nothing special everyone’s life is different I really am just going blurt this stuff out because I am ok now and don't to sound like I am full of self pity because I am not.
You all know that I love my role as a Slimming World Consultant and if you are a member of a group you know that we are still running our groups virtually, you will not know that in order to do this all Consultants have had to work so so hard, we have learnt so many new skills so quickly, I have learnt more IT skills in 12 weeks than I thought possible and I am proud of this, the admin side of our role is phenomenal asking for payments logging payments tracking payments, answering queries its a totally different system to what we had before, we have had a lot of support from Slimming World but all these meetings and courses take time, we are all working long hours 7 days a week, trying to keep our groups going supporting our members when its really hard for everyone. I totally understand members who have had to stop attending people have lost there jobs everyone is worried about their financial security me included , over half my members haven’t felt able to continue their membership which to be blunt for me is a huge drop in income for a huge increase in work load. It’s been the hardest time ever as a Consultant everyone has wanted needed to comfort eat and I just pray that there will be a Slimming World for everyone to come back too when it is safe to do so. I truly believe that every member that has stuck with me will make it to Target as they my not feel they are where they want to be but they have all done amazing.
You will have noticed my blogging editing skills are now rubbish I need to relearn how to do this. You might recall I had tried a plant based diet which I am so pleased to say is flipping fabulous I love it and have loads to say about this at a future date.
Shielding is pants I havent been outside my bungalow at the front for 15 weeks or been off my decking its been hard I miss my children all four of them , I miss my mum and dad both 82 I am frightened to death they are going to get COVID. I am not as frightened of me dying from it I am frightened of catching the bloody thing and surviving, crazy you may think but it isn’t. If the bug doesn’t kill me which it probably will the damage it will do to my muscles is hard to read, I am not sure how i would cope if couldn’t move arms legs couldn’t sit up , eat drink not really much of a life for anyone.
While the virus is out there and there isn’t a vaccine or a treatment I am at great risk, its so scary the MD society are working really hard to advise us best they can , what really worries me and thousands of others  that when shielding is suspended what happens to us. It’s a big decision to have to make to weigh up the risks I do know at the moment it isn’t safe for me. But if one more person asks me when it will be safe I am going to totally lose my marbles, for the record I want to go out, I want to go see my parents it should be me looking after my parents, I want to go see my daughters new home, my sons new home meet his new partner her children my first little adopted children haven't met Nanna the Elf. We both have had to rely on friends and family for everything I miss the outside world I do but keep asking me when it is going to be safe I don’t know, if  the R rate goes down it will be sooner if it goes up it will be later.
Well I am going stop now tomorrow I promise to blogg about the market I went too and the hair bobble, just hope I have the courage to press publish.

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