Today is the day.

They said everyone welcome at Slimming World.

Today is the day that I have been planning,preparing and worrying about for weeks,it feels really strange. Clive has gone into hospital waiting to go into surgery. I am hoping and praying he has listened and taken in what the surgeon has said. I appreciate it is going to be very difficult for him not to do things, for 15 years he has always thought about what he can do to help me making sure I don’t get tired etc. Now it is really important he looks after himself . The hard part for Clive is not being able to rush and carry 6 shopping bags at once and accepting that I can do it in my way and it takes me a long time but does it really matter.

It’s 11 am and I have completed my first challenge,fed Seabass without dropping her dish and making a noise. She is so funny she didn’t trust me she went into the hall , she so doesn’t like the noise. I actually sat in my chair which meant I could just easily place it on the floor. The bed is made , curtains open which might not sound much but is a challenge and I have done it safely. The washing machine loaded just waiting for these Pjs when I take them off.

The bungalow is so amazingly clean and sparkling I truly need sunglasses,love it. A great big thank you to my friend who came yesterday in her professional capacity as the dirt and grime buster. It is so funny I keep tidying everything away our bungalow has never been this tidy, also I must of wiped the kitchen work tops a million times.

The fridge is full of lovely looking smoothies for Clive when he comes home and my meals are all ready, chicken out the freezer for a tikka salad for lunch and leftovers pasta and tomato and pepper sauce for tea.

The only thing I have to do is wrap some prizes for Slimming World 50th Parties in group this week and do my final preparations, kinda wish wasn’t working to be with Clive but I will enjoy it even if it’s  going to be exhausting . I have so much help though ,it has really overwhelmed me how kind everyone is. I didn’t want to miss out on the fun in group which kinda feels wrong now,at the time I thought it was the right thing to do.

The decision is made and I am all ready to give all my members a 50th Birthday Celebration they deserve and I might as well look forward to it enjoy it have fun,then I will be happy for Clive. He might actually appreciate the fact I am not fussing over him and leaving him be. Who knows but I will go with the happy version guilt get us nowhere but stressed.  I am determined to get through this challenge as calm as possible.

Going to try and give myself good nutritional food but if the odd brownie or chocolate does happen to jump in my mouth all by it’s self I will not go into self destruct mode, fingers crossed. Really don’t want a hat trick of oops I did it again.

Feels strange but I might actually get to do some crochet today, I kinda feel guilty that I am just calmly sitting here blogging actually enjoying the rain,it is absolutely tipping it down. The ironic thing is I am waiting for a hosepipe to be delivered as the decking needed attention because of Seabass well we don’t need one now , the rain has sorted out that little problem

Out without a baby sitter.

I actually can't believe the week I have had it has been like one great big whirlwind. I literally haven't had two minutes to just sit and relax. I am not complaining but I am learning very slowly and very painfully that I really did ought to listen to my body and manage my fatigue. The problem I have with this is, if I do the important grown up stuff first I am tired I would never do the fun stuff. So my logic is do the fun stuff first then you kinda have to do the rest whether you are dead on your feet or not.

Tuesday was great went to Trentham Gardens again this time I got much better photos thanks to my little camera lesson. Don't try and run before you can walk Amanda hello its me. However I am being a very good pupil and trying it this way.
Really enjoyed it, still found it amazing being able to wheel where I wanted to go not being pushed around he he little joke there.
It also reminds me I have done nothing to raise the awareness of the disabled toilets being rather inadequate.

Wednesday and Thursday were the usual work day however Thursday night I went out with the girls. Flipping excited or what, you have to remember I haven't done anything like that in about 15 years. Clive or daughter would have had to come, as much as I love their company it was lovely to not feel like I needed a baby sitter.
The girls I went with might think otherwise as apparently I was just a little noisy and over excited. Oh well I had fun going on the tram out for a meal and then to the Theatre.
I did run over my poor friends toe.

We went to see On Your Feet all about Gloria Estefan it was just so flipping amazing. The singing the dancing. I must say that I could really relate to her post accident scenes and in my opinion which I know counts for nothing was done very well, kinda how I imagine someone might of felt.
It also made me realise just how hard she worked to get where so is today. Very thought provoking.

I have another book I am desperate to read but have to wait. Its Margaret's autobiography the women that founded Slimming World and is still Slimming World, I know if I start it will get annoyed because won't have enough time to read it.

The rest of the Week has been so full with both of us doing the final preparations for Clive going into hospital on Tuesday.
We have tried our best to have great plans in place but we are sure to have not thought of something. It is going to be a very interesting few months. Not sure how much time I am going to have for things like blogging we will see.
I am going to do my best to look after me the best I can so I can look after Clive. It feels really strange me being the career and not the cared for.

I will just finish on this I am very proud of myself as yesterday I was incredibly tired and hungry I so wanted to eat high sugar high fat food. I caught myself and remembered what would happen I might have continued the binge until after Clive's operation and then I would have undone all the hard work of the last 12 days.
I am again a Target member under target and am aiming to stay that way while Clive has his surgery.
I can't guarantee there will not be tears at some point.
I am going to try to make this my moto. Just for the record I haven't heard a thing about them fixing my toilet.

It's been a good day when your biggest problem was burning the muffins

Had a really good thought provoking couple of days. Yesterday was a strange day woke up really positive and determined that I got this I can do this. Clive was out and I needed the toilet so I thought let's try my brilliant idea. Please don't worry I will not go into too much details apart from I need to do some clever adjustments. It wasn't the easiest thing I have done, kinda blocked the toilet with the amount of paper, 6 flushes all good.
When I had completed the task felt horrible exhausted and tearful. It took an amazing 55minutes to have a 💩.
By the time Clive got home my brain had gone into overdrive with what ifs etc and he got tears I can't do this crap.
During the afternoon I was thinking but I can still do it might be hard work but would rather do it that way then rest bite care or career's coming in to do it.
Then later that day had a lovely chat with a lady I have only known 10 months but she is just so flipping fabulous and is so wise and good for me, we spoke about how I will find a way to speed up, little things I could do, and most importantly does it actually matter if at the end of the day I am late somewhere.
And I am now aloud to buy my favourite things Candles.
Today has been fabulous started with a meditation session which I know sounds daft but helps me, and my goodness was I a grateful bunny because Clive could lift me on and off the toilet 5mins much nicer and so much less humiliating than yesterday.
Put dad on car insurance ready to be my Jeeves whilst Clive can't drive and my beautiful daughter came to have her first drive and learn how to attach her mummy in the car. She was brilliant just as I knew she would be, our world is our oyster now. I feel shopping coming on with cake obviously.
We just had to go for coffee and cake to have a good girlie catch up.
Came home to make muffins for our adventures tomorrow and me being me had the oven on 220 why I have no idea so they a bit crispy, they are currently on the shed for the birds to eat but out of reach of Seabass.
Now off to bed to get beauty sleep ready for my trip out to Trentham Gardens.
Feeling very grateful for all I can still do and all our wonderful friends that are all offering help when Clive has his operation only 7 days till have to be a big brave girl.

The girl I wanted to be!

 Well today has been a really lovely day. I kinda half feel like I have managed to have a day being the person I was meant to be. Being all prepared cooking in my beautiful kitchen with all my recipes filed and indexed on my ipad.
It was nearly like this, except my recipes might have been kindly scanned for me this morning. 48 in about 30mins by Clive.
I seem to remember it took me about an hour and a half to do about 6. That is OK there are things I have got to accept I can't do very easily, so ask for help Amanda.

My day actually started with me having to get the ipad out because I couldn't for the life of me remember what I was supposed to be cooking. I was so pleased with myself on Thursday that I had scanned the recipes and done my shopping list on virtual Post it notes and emailed to myself. Little steps to paperless Amanda, after the shop yesterday Clive asked what I was making and I hadn't a clue.

Loved playing in my lovely kitchen haven't tried cooking in my car yet, I did it on my legs but was really careful. Did use the chair to peg out the washing and I remembered how excited I was the first time I was able to do it. I need to remember all I can do not what I can't then I am a happy girl.

 This is my achievement a hot chilli, chic pea and spinach curry, Kiri salad which is my new favourite.

Kiri Salad

For the record the scanned recipes are not all indexed I kinda got to try and work out how to do that, next little challenge.
A friend is going to try and help me with my camera which is fab news. Maybe I didn't hide my frustration as well as I thought. I am going try and except a little more help from people. I am not sure why I always have to do everything the hard way and on my own.
Hey would be nice if anyone would love to be a magic fairy with my ironing pile. I suppose that's what Sunday mornings are made for.
I am now off to play on my ipad and go to sleep in my freshly decorated bedroom and new bedding. Yes I know I am a spoilt girl.

I am back to feeling amazing yipee

Well what a difference just 4 days have made, I really don’t enjoy feeling low but I have learnt through past experience that pretending to myself that I am ok when I clearly am far from it doesn’t actually help me.

The first step to me feeling better was realising I must be struggling as it really isn’t me to binge eat like I had been doing. I had stopped doing the things my body needs rest rest and letting my mind rest too.

I have given myself a bit of slack talked to friends about my feelings and fears. The next 6 weeks are going to be challenging, Clive will be the cared for one . It does make me feel panicked can I ,will I cope. I had got lost in those feelings so I couldn’t see how I was going to manage.

Every day I have really tried to focus on the positives in my life, have done my favourite thing made lists of the things I need to do and arrange the help we are going to need. I have felt really blessed all the offers of help we have had and I have promised myself I will ask for help.

I have just really impressed myself by learning how to scan recipes onto my iPad so I can then have all my favourite recipes in one place. It is something that I can do but flipping heck to me the iPad is heavy so gonna probably ask mum or Clive to spend a couple of hours helping me do them over the weekend.

The iPad is still causing me problems but that is because me being me thinks I should be able to be a professional secretary kinda wizz in a week.

So today when we arrived to set up for my Thursday Slimming World Group I had a fab idea. I thought it would be so nice and relaxing to take Seabass onto the field to have a good run around while Clive unpacked the car. It was amazing (yea I must be feeling better I used the word amazing) the freshly cut grass smelt beautiful the air was cool but crisp. Apart from the traffic the world was so quite. I actually felt free and alive, Seabass and I just ran around the field it was great.....until I noticed how much grass was stuck to the wheels oops.
I did drive around the car park and get a lot of the grass off however it did cause a giggle because as the grass dried it kept falling off all over the floor, Clive followed me around with a sweeping brush bless him . I would love to say he did it with a smile but that would be expecting just too much.

I have spent the evening in my pjs relaxing looking at my cooking books, my plan for the weekend is to make sure I spend time appreciating the little things and keep telling myself I can and I am doing this. One of my pictures from the zoo, I was surprised how quick he could run.

Progress is Progress

Should of bought shares in Tena Lady

I am going to try and not moan too much today. I am really tired but that's because I am still not looking after me properly.
I am not good at this listening to my body and resting.
Had a great day yesterday a trip to Chester Zoo with friends and cameras. Really enjoyed it tried my best not to get too frustrated because couldn't get the chair in the right position and then move body and focus the flipping camera. Love my camera but keep forgetting how to use it. Even forgot to take the lense cap off oops rookie error. It is harder than you think when your silly arms will  just not move where you want them too.
I did stay positive really enjoyed myself, would love a couple of weeks to just disappear into a really nice hotel with my camera and instruction book, no cooking no laundry no work. Like that's going to happen.
Feeling better as have 3 Slimming World Fabulous days under my belt I have planned, cooked all gorgeous nutritious food. I can honestly say I prefer it to the rubbish I was eating last week.
Has helped me prepare for this weeks Slimming World Groups understanding our triggers, so it was obviously meant to be my little detour away from Target.
I do have to have a little moan  they rang from the toilet company today to ask for the serial number of the toilet. They have decided after 5 weeks perhaps it's a good idea to order the part before they send two engineers out. I would love to say this isn't affecting my well being but then I would be just lying. All I can say is I should of bought shares in Tena Lady. The joys of being a disabled woman who has been weeks without a toilet.
I am trying my best to look at the positives in my life but it is difficult when your brain keeps forgetting your body can't do a lot these days and your bladder decides it's going to keep going into massive spasms which are extremely painful.
I am giving it the best chance by trying to look after it.
13 days till Clive's operation, lots to organise for this but I have my lists of things to do.

Oops I did it again

Well it’s been a really long time since I have felt like writing, a lot of things have been going on, some very nice and exciting some just plain pants. I can’t blog about everything that is going on because that’s just not kind or fair on the people involved.

I have been giving myself a bit of a hard time this past week, I have been in a total self destruct mode where my health is concerned. I have not only made unwise choices food wise I have purposely only eaten high fat high sugar foods. no fruit no vegetables just cake and sweets and biscuits, did I enjoy it no not really do I know why yes I do because I can.

Have I been kind to myself getting rest when I need it nope have I been taking time to meditate nope, have I been looking at the positives in my life yep you guessed it nope.

Think I have well and truly lost a bit of my fight but I will find it again and have started today how I want to continue my life. I can’t change a lot of things and I certainly can’t change people but I can try and change how I react to things.
It’s difficult because on one hand I don’t feel I want anything special just a happy independent life, not one where I feel I have to prove myself worth to myself or others, I realise this is how I feel and it is all part of my daft mindset at the moment.

I have had a couple of incidents that haven’t helped one was Seabass really hurting my thumb when between us we managed to trap my thumb around the lead squashed against the chair it pulled the skin off and me being me didn’t actually say I need help it really hurts I just asked for a tissue for the blood.
Seabass was really spooked because where we where was just too busy and noisy so I decided to take her for a little walk, some person drove their car far to close to us and I managed to get Seabass’s lead trapped around the wheel of the chair. We was in the middle of a busy park full of people having fun and not one person came to see if we needed help. It just got worse I dropped my phone out of my flipping reach. I eventually got Seabass unclasped from the lead but couldn’t manage to hold her by the collar to get make to Clive. I did manage to get to the phone and call for assistance but did feel a flipping nuisance and a great burden for spoiling the day.

I didn’t cry though until I got home, yesterday we went for a walk and I managed to drive right through dog pooh I am sure I can still smell it. Not major things I know but it’s the little stuff that always gets me. I am actually coping a little better about the toilet situation, still no news and Clive goes in hospital two weeks tomorrow. I have a plan how I am going to manage but it certainly will not be easy or pleasant and I don’t think it will make me feel like the person I thought I was going to be. I have to just man up and get on with it though.

So today in good old Amanda fashion my smile is on, meals planned and house tidy, I will soon get the hang of this acceptance stuff I hope.

Who would have thought even tidying up is easier in a power chair.

What a day, not so sure yesterday was good planning. I had champagne breakfast, chicken fajitas, brownie and ice cream no I don't feel guilty it was all planned as part of some great celebrations, however I had not thought it through Clive was out for the day and the toilet still isn't fixed. I was a little concerned, however I didn't eat, my logic being if didn't stimulate the bowels with food would be OK. Pleased to say it worked, Clive home so no problems apart from I was just a bit hungry and not for healthy food, oops.

Another Fabulous thing I have released today, sorting out paper work etc is so much easier in the chair. I can't bend so normally have to sit on a chair to get anything out of the filing cabinet, then ask Clive to stand me up to move said paper work to another place.
Usually a lot of moaning tutting and just getting annoyed at each other takes place and yep tears of flustration from me.
Today sitting in my power chair I could move backwards and forwards get off the chair. It felt so great being able to tidy and sort out all my rubbish in my little cupboard stroke office all by myself. I can't remember the last time I felt in control of being able to do simple things for myself. Yes I am shattered but loved being able to do it.
Four massive bags of rubbish out feels so good, I am going to need help sorting my cook books but that's for another day.
I did have a few minutes looking at old photos, love this one of my very chilled out daughter. Not sure where those 20years have gone.
Really feeling positive, enjoying sorting out the clutter just hope we can sort the toilet in the next 23 days or I will be in a bit of a mess literally.