Tuesday, 30 July 2019

Running in the rain

First time out in the rain, well obviously not my first time ever out in the rain but my first time in my power chair. Loved it, these feelings are just plain awesome to be able to hurry up because the weather is grim is so strange.

For years whatever the weather I have had one speed, slow and incredibly painful just to get to and from the car. I hadn't realised my anxiety levels either. Just to get to the car was such an emotional ordeal, the fear of falling in the road, or of the draft of a car knocking me over. I used to worry about falling under a car and being really hurt.

Having absolutely no way of getting myself out of danger was just plain horrible. I had to put all my trust into my other half to help me across the road safely. To catch me if I stumbled which he mostly did, occasionally I would fall but luckily never too much damage occurred.

Tonight was so different I just put the chair on full speed off up the path across the road and into the car with a smile.
When we got back home it was a different matter. The wheels were wet so when I  tried to get in the back door the wheels were just spinning on the tiles. I couldn't get the traction to go over the door threshold. Quick push from other half and I am in. Need to get a large none slip mat to go on the tiles. It will not phase me as I have loved going out in the rain.
One content happy me. 

Monday, 29 July 2019

Dogs First Trip in Car

What's going on

Well the seat belt extender has arrived and the temperature has dropped a little so we are off.  Not sure if Seabass was sitting in the car like an excellent bull dog or she was just frightened to death. She doesn't really like the ramp but she was OK. Unlike me today, the wheels where slipping sideways not sure what I was doing but did get a bit frustrated.

When we arrived Seabass was a complete nightmare pulling but I was prepared I have attached her lead to my chair with a climbing clip so if she pulls too hard sorted. (She is really strong she can easily dislocate my shoulder so I have no choice but let her go.) Couldn't do this on the manual chair because she would have pulled out the chair. 
Once Seabass settled down we had a lovely walk round. It was great much more comfortable and feel so secure in my chair. Did feel like I might fall out but that was my fault for taking the speed bump too quick. Lesson learnt.  I am settling down but still am feeling a little self conscious having Seabass by my side actually makes me feel less self conscious. So all good.

Saturday, 27 July 2019

OCD wins over my mental health

Ok so just checking the other half received his email to say I had posted another post and he hadn't activated it.
Now I must be fair he didn't realise he had to as I had only told him I was using him as a test dummy.
Ok lets see if it works as it is 21.49 and my tummy is hungry

Well what am I doing?

Well what am I doing don't get me wrong I have had the most lovely day in the rain. I have been very self indulgent and have literally spent my whole day trying to do this blog stuff.

I haven't achieved that balance thing because instead of stopping when I was really proud with what I had done no the OCD Amanda had to just.....

Try and see how to make it easy for people to follow my blog.  Not that easy there is a difference between subscribe by e mail , this I think I have done but need to check. I will not know until I publish this post.

Follow my blog needs me to install another gadget, not sure about that. I have to remember though my second blog post all about me being bamboozled by gadgets, widgets and domain names. So should be proud of everything that I have learned so far.

Now the real me is thinking should I have waited to actually share any of this blog.  It really isn't up and running how I want it to be so I must remind myself progress not perfection.
 To protect my mental and physical health I need to go and have food. I do keep saying about my mental health because it really is important to stay mentally well just as it is to try and stay as physically well as we can.

Without mental well being we can't be physically well. On that note I hope this has worked if it hasn't it will have to wait until another day.

Happy Eggs

Today it is raining and I am trying to stick to my plan of learning this blog stuff rather than spending too much of my energy thinking about how I am feeling about the new car.
All I can say is I was so excited this morning to be going out, the next learning curve is to introduce Seabass the bull dog into the car. This will be funny watching her walk up the ramp she will not like the feel on her paws .I really don't want to go out in the rain so this will have to wait.

So today I have been reading my Blogging for Dummies book and hopefully I have learnt how to add pictures.

I am still smiling to myself about the egg incident I wrote about yesterday and I thought I would include the photo of me putting the eggs away when I got home. You can see from my face how proud I was to have got my eggs home.
Whose a clever sausage

Friday, 26 July 2019

Why do people stare

I am going to have to be quick today really am tired and need to get to bed after my meeting tonight. I am so nervous this will be the first time my work colleagues have seen me in my power chair. I really don't know what there reaction is going to be. Most people's is oh dear. This is strange to me I am the same me as 2 days ago that was struggling in my manual chair, grumpy and in pain as it really was too much to propel myself exhausting in fact. Or just pity looks as if my MD is far far worse today than yesterday. People really don't get that by me using the power chair to cross the road and roll up the ramp, zoom around asda that I still have energy to do stuff I want to do.
It's amazing shopping and it not making me feel physically sick because the muscles hurt too much its fantastic.

How people stared at me though some just stood mouth open have they never seen a younger woman in a power chair, or maybe it was my astounding beauty they where staring at. Not one person smiled a few tuts when I was trying to purchase things. I felt like I shouldn't be in the supermarket. Maybe it wasn't  the right place to take the chair for its first outing in a crowd.
Going to have to stop now as will be late for the meeting and I need to tell you about the eggs.

I am back and I must keep it quick the meeting was amazing my work colleagues never batted an eye. They just loved my new car and chair. It was me who had built it all up to be a problem because I felt uncomfortable embarrassed even they didn't.

At coffee time I was given a mug which actually said Trainee tractor driver. This made me laugh so much I even told them about the eggs. I had been to pick up the eggs whilst in asda and tried to get out of someone's way. I reversed back forgetting the power chair has more at the back of it than the manual chair and reversed straight into the egg stand. I squashed a few egg boxes but didn't look like I broke any.
 A couple of children where trying so hard not to laugh which actually made me laugh so we all laughed. I didn't hang around to actually check all the eggs there wasn't any on the floor and I am not yoking.

On that note to protect my own mental health and not to get to tired I am going to go to bed.

Stupid ugly car I love you

Well it is now real I am the proud user of a Wheelchair Accessible Vehicle. Today has been one roller-coaster of emotions. I woke up so excited it was unreal I don't think I have been this excited since Christmas. I absolutely love Christmas all year round especially Elfs

Went and absolutely did a great group this morning my Slimming World Members are amazing and know how important the car is to me. Don't think they have ever seen me so energetic it was like Amanda supercharged on speed.

The day was going better than I could of ever wished for surprisingly no negative feelings at all. The car was being delivered from Newcastle approximately 150 miles away and in arrived within the half an hour hour window.

Then absolute wham it's bigger than I remembered, its ugly, it looks like a squashed transit van. I tried not to show this to the delivery man, I have been baggering the company about the delivery of the car  so much, don't want to look like a spoilt brat now do I.
Something strange occurred to me when I opened the door I was standing I can still stand a little and walk a couple of steps with support from the wall. I found myself explaining, I had the need to justify why he was delivering a motorbility vehicle to a lady who looks normal. You see I do feel normal in my head it isn't until I see photos of me that I realise I don't quite look how I used to. But why do I feel the need to justify it I do still have this fear that people think I am kinda being a bit melodramatic and just need to try a bit harder to walk to just get fitter. If only it was that simple. It all boils down again to me accepting how I am now and embracing it. I don't need to justify it to anyone not even myself just accept it for what it is.

I drove the chair into the car no problem at all really rather proud of my driving skills. The chap that had delivered the car was lovely explaining all the locking mechanisms to secure the chair into the car so if we are in a smash the chair will not move. Then it came to putting the seat belt on they had positioned it in the wrong place. They have done it for the chair to sit in the boot part of the car even after spending ages explaining the trauma I have had coming to terms with not being able to sit in the front. This is a whole blog page in its own right I felt sick. Suddenly it was like I don't want the ugly horrible car to have to go back, apparently its a big job to change it. Luckily for me I am tiny and the seat belt just fits. Its tight and will be too tight if I put on any weight at all or a coat!!
I am so glad that at this moment I am totally happy with my body weight not its looks and obviously I would like less fat on my belly and maybe a little more on my chest but I don't know one person 100% happy how they look. Imagine if I was say a stone heavier I would still be in the healthy range but the seat belt would have been too tight and I would think it was all my fault as I was too heavy. All the self loathing and beating myself up I would have done. The tears and tantrums because I would of thought it was all my fault, a little bit like I do when having a bad MD day always blame myself done too much, not had enough rest, not eaten enough eaten too much the list goes on. But it did fit so we drove the chap to the station to get his train home.

Oh my goodness I can't see a dam thing out the windows. I can see out the glass obviously but all I can see is about 50cm off the ground for about 2m. So I can basically see people's lower legs on pavement you can't see where you are at all. You can't see when a bend is coming up in the road I was flipping wobbling all over the place had to really concentrate to stay upright.

I really am not liking this at all my mind was racing to no more drives looking at the view the flowers the sky the animals in the fields. Now I feel very travel sick oh god I was always car sick in the back oh what have we done getting a stupid WAV why?

All I wanted to do was go home and hide and cry to be truly honest was flipping disappointed big time. We did go home I had a lovely welcome from my bull dog and a hug from my other half.

Still didn't like the stupid car but had a nice late lunch in the garden and thought of all the coping strategies I had learnt with a psychologist last year. Of coarse I didn't like it deep down I have never wanted to own a WAV, doesn't matter if I am supposed to feel grateful for the wonderful motorbility scheme I feel tearful. Once I accepted this something strange happened I started to think all the things we would be able to do where we can go etc.

We decided to go to the local park we didn't want to go far as its the hottest day ever so we have to leave Seabass the dog at home. I wheel round to the car actually its not that big about the size of a Citroen Belingo odd that. The grey colour is really quite nice.
I drive to the drop kerb cross the road no anxiety at all I am safe no worries about falling in the road, up the ramp I go and we are off. I even manage a few pictures which I will include when I learn how. This isn't so bad. We arrive no being lifted out the car no pain in shoulders no squashed nose. No pain for my partner this is great.

Off we go for a little role, it's so funny my partner doesn't know what to do with his arms he has nothing to push he feels really odd. I am loving it, its like seeing things like it was when I was younger. Our bodies are amazing after only 6 months of having the power chair my brain and thumb control my movements with out me consciously thinking, this leaves my brain free to notice the tress, the squirrels everywhere its great.
 I can go fast inside I am running through the trees. I stop take a picture of a beautiful arch way, I can talk to my partner he can hear me as he is at the side of me not behind me. This is just amazing I feel alive Happy, outside, yes in my power chair.

It gets better we go to the cafe I can go inside for a look at the counter. You can't hold a tray with your order on and push a chair so I am always parked at the table. The cakes looked so tempting there was chocolate brownies, muffins with chocolate Icing, tiffin cake an enormous carrot cake. Now I am thinking its so much easier to make healthier choices when parked.
I had a lovely refreshing sparkling water.

OK I love my car I love the fact I have so much independence in the power chair I am excited to be going out tonight. I am being dropped off to spend time with good friends while the other half goes to his camera lesson.
Tonight is a funny tail I will tell another time as I have rambled enough for one night. Remember that balance stuff. Haven't even had time to read my book yet. I was good last night and went to sleep. Tonight it's 1am so not so balanced but wanted to get these feelings down before I convinced myself it was all good from the minute go. I feel proud I acknowledged my real feeling worked through them and am going to bed genuinely happy and content if no one reads this it doesn't matter it has helped me.

Wednesday, 24 July 2019

One More Sleep

One more sleep until we get the new car. Its been a funny day I have actually been feeling a little bit guilty about my manual wheelchair that I am excited to not be using it after tomorrow. I was so excited when I got the chair feel really quite cool in my sparkly green chair, don't get me wrong I love my power chair however I am not yet used to seeing myself in photos etc and again it's that self acceptance thing again.

Also today I have noticed things I can do in my manual chair that won't be able to do in my power chair. For example when we went out for breakfast we wanted to sit outside in the sunshine but there was a high step about a foot. We just tipped the chair and lifted me up actually not me my other half did. We certainly won't be able to do this as the chair is too heavy.
Funny how we notice these things.
Been feeling like I am disloyal to my trusted manual chair.

On a massive positive note I am able to arrange to go to the theatre and out for a meal with friends without needing a carer this is just amazing. It's exciting and frightening as I haven't been out on my own without partner or daughter in such a long time probably over 4 years so this is a huge thing.was so excited at first then little bits of anxiety start to creep in, think will have to break the challange into little chunks so don't feel overwhelmed, not going to stress and worry I can do this.

I am so looking forward to being able to go out tomorrow and go out in the new car. Not sure how I am going to feel about driving the power chair in and out of the car so for tonight I am going to try and be excited which I truly am and not stress.

I did order the Blogging for Dummies book and I will try not to read it  too much as have work in the morning. I am trying with this balance of life stuff.

Tuesday, 23 July 2019

Me at my best or is it worst

I have started this blog to hopefully help me continue in my journey of acceptance of who I am, not who I thought I was but also two other major things one if I can help just one person alongside me start to feel that whatever they are facing physically or mentally it is OK to ask for help but also where to go to find that help that might  be right for them.
The other thing I really want to achieve is to help improve the way disabled people feel about themselves and how other people can sometimes not always perceive us as somewhat less than themselves.
My blog with be 100% honest of my feelings and opinions I need to point out these are mine doesn't mean they will be the same as yours and doesn't mean you will necessary  agree with them all,  but they are mine at the time of writing no right no wrong just MY FEELINGS.,if that's how I feel that's how I feel.
The other thing that will become apparent the more you stick around me is that my command of English grammar does need major work my spelling is also appalling tends to go along with mild dyslexia. Oh I am very sarcastic at times against myself and I have to use humour as my safety method for not going totally insane throughout all of this.

I will keep referring to these points from time to time so I remember why I started this not for the number of followers or likes or comments etc.

I do not feel 100% confident in what I am doing with this blog however I don't want to miss such an exciting time in my life to write about the crazy mixed feelings we have on our journey of life.

We I will refer to me and my partner as this effects everyone that is close to us, are about to begin a very exciting time but also a time that I have previously dreaded as if it would be the end of me somehow. We will be getting our first wheelchair accessible vehicle in 2 more sleeps. This on one hand is going to make our life so much more enjoyable not mentioning the safety aspect of not having to waddle across a road to be lifted in and out of the car. When we arrive at our destination I am as fully  independent as I can be. I will no longer need to be pushed around (I can currently only self propel my chair on smooth flat surfaces), so I can now go uphill all by myself like a big girl.
The fatigue will be so much less I will be able to wear whatever shoes I like more on that later.

However and this Is a big however, to me I will in my mind be well and truly in the disabled gang, I will be in the WAV (Wheel Chair Accessible Vehicle) gang and this is why I didn't want to miss the opportunity while these emotions and feelings are fresh. It has taken me a long time not to be embarrassed at the fact that I don't want to be disabled because does that mean I think I am somewhat better than someone who is disabled. No I don't .It just means I would rather not have progressed to the point of needing a chair of any sorts let alone a power chair and a WAV, I don't want to be disabled who does, it has taken me 18 years of why me to accept the fact of why not me, still don't like it but this is me either get on with it or keep fighting against it , that fighting way kinda didn't work but that again is for another long post.

I also have a bit of a perfectionist trait which isn't good I can become very narrow minded and focused on just one thing, at times this is good ,but  not always when 2 days later you realise you haven't done anything but that particular project not even eaten or slept.
 I am trying to learn to achieve a balance in my life. The me the real me wants to get this blog up and running like the best ever most professional blog out there .Doesn't matter that professional blog sites have teams of people and have experience I have to be like that straight away, however I have learnt this isn't possible right now I need to know what a widget is, a gadget, a label goodness this girl didn't know what a domain was until a week ago. I need to buy a book yes I have every xxxxxxfor dummies book available and I am on amazon shortly to see if there is one for blogging there must be.

I have made a massive decision for me to start the blog now not knowing what I am doing and to try and not do it at the expense of all other areas in my life, then hopefully I can record how I feel during this very exciting time of getting the new car. At this minute the sun is shinning and I am really excited about the car trying to look at all the positives and plan the adventures we are going to have , it has thrown up a lot of feelings which I will talk about at a later date because I really do need to go and attend to other things, like do some work, and peg out the washing that's a post for later too.

So I am just going to google the Blogging for Dummies book and try my best to practise what I preach and go do some work oh and eat maybe. If people read and enjoy my blog that's going to be great but I have really enjoyed my day so yes it has been worth starting now and trying to do something new.

Saturday, 20 July 2019

If you stumble across this blog please bear with me so new to this