Friday, 26 July 2019

Stupid ugly car I love you

Well it is now real I am the proud user of a Wheelchair Accessible Vehicle. Today has been one roller-coaster of emotions. I woke up so excited it was unreal I don't think I have been this excited since Christmas. I absolutely love Christmas all year round especially Elfs

Went and absolutely did a great group this morning my Slimming World Members are amazing and know how important the car is to me. Don't think they have ever seen me so energetic it was like Amanda supercharged on speed.

The day was going better than I could of ever wished for surprisingly no negative feelings at all. The car was being delivered from Newcastle approximately 150 miles away and in arrived within the half an hour hour window.

Then absolute wham it's bigger than I remembered, its ugly, it looks like a squashed transit van. I tried not to show this to the delivery man, I have been baggering the company about the delivery of the car  so much, don't want to look like a spoilt brat now do I.
Something strange occurred to me when I opened the door I was standing I can still stand a little and walk a couple of steps with support from the wall. I found myself explaining, I had the need to justify why he was delivering a motorbility vehicle to a lady who looks normal. You see I do feel normal in my head it isn't until I see photos of me that I realise I don't quite look how I used to. But why do I feel the need to justify it I do still have this fear that people think I am kinda being a bit melodramatic and just need to try a bit harder to walk to just get fitter. If only it was that simple. It all boils down again to me accepting how I am now and embracing it. I don't need to justify it to anyone not even myself just accept it for what it is.

I drove the chair into the car no problem at all really rather proud of my driving skills. The chap that had delivered the car was lovely explaining all the locking mechanisms to secure the chair into the car so if we are in a smash the chair will not move. Then it came to putting the seat belt on they had positioned it in the wrong place. They have done it for the chair to sit in the boot part of the car even after spending ages explaining the trauma I have had coming to terms with not being able to sit in the front. This is a whole blog page in its own right I felt sick. Suddenly it was like I don't want the ugly horrible car to have to go back, apparently its a big job to change it. Luckily for me I am tiny and the seat belt just fits. Its tight and will be too tight if I put on any weight at all or a coat!!
I am so glad that at this moment I am totally happy with my body weight not its looks and obviously I would like less fat on my belly and maybe a little more on my chest but I don't know one person 100% happy how they look. Imagine if I was say a stone heavier I would still be in the healthy range but the seat belt would have been too tight and I would think it was all my fault as I was too heavy. All the self loathing and beating myself up I would have done. The tears and tantrums because I would of thought it was all my fault, a little bit like I do when having a bad MD day always blame myself done too much, not had enough rest, not eaten enough eaten too much the list goes on. But it did fit so we drove the chap to the station to get his train home.

Oh my goodness I can't see a dam thing out the windows. I can see out the glass obviously but all I can see is about 50cm off the ground for about 2m. So I can basically see people's lower legs on pavement you can't see where you are at all. You can't see when a bend is coming up in the road I was flipping wobbling all over the place had to really concentrate to stay upright.

I really am not liking this at all my mind was racing to no more drives looking at the view the flowers the sky the animals in the fields. Now I feel very travel sick oh god I was always car sick in the back oh what have we done getting a stupid WAV why?

All I wanted to do was go home and hide and cry to be truly honest was flipping disappointed big time. We did go home I had a lovely welcome from my bull dog and a hug from my other half.

Still didn't like the stupid car but had a nice late lunch in the garden and thought of all the coping strategies I had learnt with a psychologist last year. Of coarse I didn't like it deep down I have never wanted to own a WAV, doesn't matter if I am supposed to feel grateful for the wonderful motorbility scheme I feel tearful. Once I accepted this something strange happened I started to think all the things we would be able to do where we can go etc.

We decided to go to the local park we didn't want to go far as its the hottest day ever so we have to leave Seabass the dog at home. I wheel round to the car actually its not that big about the size of a Citroen Belingo odd that. The grey colour is really quite nice.
I drive to the drop kerb cross the road no anxiety at all I am safe no worries about falling in the road, up the ramp I go and we are off. I even manage a few pictures which I will include when I learn how. This isn't so bad. We arrive no being lifted out the car no pain in shoulders no squashed nose. No pain for my partner this is great.

Off we go for a little role, it's so funny my partner doesn't know what to do with his arms he has nothing to push he feels really odd. I am loving it, its like seeing things like it was when I was younger. Our bodies are amazing after only 6 months of having the power chair my brain and thumb control my movements with out me consciously thinking, this leaves my brain free to notice the tress, the squirrels everywhere its great.
 I can go fast inside I am running through the trees. I stop take a picture of a beautiful arch way, I can talk to my partner he can hear me as he is at the side of me not behind me. This is just amazing I feel alive Happy, outside, yes in my power chair.

It gets better we go to the cafe I can go inside for a look at the counter. You can't hold a tray with your order on and push a chair so I am always parked at the table. The cakes looked so tempting there was chocolate brownies, muffins with chocolate Icing, tiffin cake an enormous carrot cake. Now I am thinking its so much easier to make healthier choices when parked.
I had a lovely refreshing sparkling water.

OK I love my car I love the fact I have so much independence in the power chair I am excited to be going out tonight. I am being dropped off to spend time with good friends while the other half goes to his camera lesson.
Tonight is a funny tail I will tell another time as I have rambled enough for one night. Remember that balance stuff. Haven't even had time to read my book yet. I was good last night and went to sleep. Tonight it's 1am so not so balanced but wanted to get these feelings down before I convinced myself it was all good from the minute go. I feel proud I acknowledged my real feeling worked through them and am going to bed genuinely happy and content if no one reads this it doesn't matter it has helped me.


Unknown said...

Beautifully honest, Amanda. So pleased you were able to go to bed happy. Sometimes it takes a lot of effort to see the positives in things, sometimes it's easy. Keep searching. Xxx

Amanda said...

Thank you it can be difficult and I will continue searching you are the first person to comment on my blogg yes I am now a real blogger xx