Monday, 9 September 2019

Oops I did it again

Well it’s been a really long time since I have felt like writing, a lot of things have been going on, some very nice and exciting some just plain pants. I can’t blog about everything that is going on because that’s just not kind or fair on the people involved.

I have been giving myself a bit of a hard time this past week, I have been in a total self destruct mode where my health is concerned. I have not only made unwise choices food wise I have purposely only eaten high fat high sugar foods. no fruit no vegetables just cake and sweets and biscuits, did I enjoy it no not really do I know why yes I do because I can.

Have I been kind to myself getting rest when I need it nope have I been taking time to meditate nope, have I been looking at the positives in my life yep you guessed it nope.

Think I have well and truly lost a bit of my fight but I will find it again and have started today how I want to continue my life. I can’t change a lot of things and I certainly can’t change people but I can try and change how I react to things.
It’s difficult because on one hand I don’t feel I want anything special just a happy independent life, not one where I feel I have to prove myself worth to myself or others, I realise this is how I feel and it is all part of my daft mindset at the moment.

I have had a couple of incidents that haven’t helped one was Seabass really hurting my thumb when between us we managed to trap my thumb around the lead squashed against the chair it pulled the skin off and me being me didn’t actually say I need help it really hurts I just asked for a tissue for the blood.
Seabass was really spooked because where we where was just too busy and noisy so I decided to take her for a little walk, some person drove their car far to close to us and I managed to get Seabass’s lead trapped around the wheel of the chair. We was in the middle of a busy park full of people having fun and not one person came to see if we needed help. It just got worse I dropped my phone out of my flipping reach. I eventually got Seabass unclasped from the lead but couldn’t manage to hold her by the collar to get make to Clive. I did manage to get to the phone and call for assistance but did feel a flipping nuisance and a great burden for spoiling the day.

I didn’t cry though until I got home, yesterday we went for a walk and I managed to drive right through dog pooh I am sure I can still smell it. Not major things I know but it’s the little stuff that always gets me. I am actually coping a little better about the toilet situation, still no news and Clive goes in hospital two weeks tomorrow. I have a plan how I am going to manage but it certainly will not be easy or pleasant and I don’t think it will make me feel like the person I thought I was going to be. I have to just man up and get on with it though.

So today in good old Amanda fashion my smile is on, meals planned and house tidy, I will soon get the hang of this acceptance stuff I hope.

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