Monday, 26 August 2019

Is it just me?

Not sure how to post today. When I started this  blog I thought it would be easy to write how I really felt. I was fed up with feeling alone when I knew I wasn't the only person feeling this way. I also thought in my naivety that I might be able to help other people who feel like me.
It's not that easy as I already feel I should put on a mask for my blog not say when I am feeling down etc, but then I am conforming to everything I don't Believe in, I also really don't want to upset the other half because he does an amazing job caring for me.

Today started well then just one little comment set me off. Do any others in my situation get really frustrated if their other half wants to go out and tries to arrange a baby sitter. Makes me so cross, don't get me wrong I know it's because they care and probably want to reduce their feeling of guilt because they want to go out. BUT I know who my friends are what they are doing and I am quite capable of arranging something if I want to.

Also today I have been thinking does anybody else feel they have to work extra hard to compensate for our disabilities I feel so guilty because I can't actually deliver leaflets around houses as part of my SlimmingWorld BBuisness. It's daft but that is how I feel.

I am so fortunate to have the support I do but it kinda makes you feel a burden because I know I can never live independently at 49 I have to a back up plan just in case I fall. I am so stuck even if I haven't hurt myself I still can't get up.
Have had 2 more near falls which is really scary because it means I have obviously lost some more muscle. Very careless of me I know.
I am doing all the right things meditating, relaxing getting my nice clothes on doing my hair no point doing makeup as silly eyes keep leaking. I have even tried to read a book today, just reading this it almost feels like a real grief like sadness, probably all because of the fall the other night.
The one thing I have learnt from last year is pushing these feelings away pretending you are OK when you are clearly not is not the answer.

On a positive I haven't eaten too much cake or chocolate yet and I have a lovely kitchen.
So my plan of action is to sit here in my beautiful garden and listen to the birds and tomorrow you know what I am going to come  back out fighting I am.

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