Tuesday, 20 August 2019

It's OK to be not OK unless it's me

I would love to report that I have been on some great adventures but nope I haven't. Its been a really challenging couple of days not sure if it will be interesting to read or not.

I haven't had the emotional strength to continue my fight over the toilet, I have heard nothing since Friday I am now incredibly cross with myself for not standing up for myself,I know nothing will get sorted if I don't keep fighting no one will do it for me, why I didn't feel like that couple of hours ago when I could of phoned medi quip again.
It's just so frustrating and I find it so embarrassing and undignified to have to beg someone for the ability to go to the toilet.

I studied hard very hard as a young adult I made choices not to do things as I so wanted to be a doctor, it didn't come easy for me I find English very difficult let alone Latin but I did it. I loved it the hours were long it was heart breaking at times but I did a good job, I can say I made some really hard times for families a little easier. I fought battles for my patients so things like this didn't happen.

It really wasn't on my bucket list to have to spend hours being told this is the system and this is how it works. Don't people understand no one should not have the facilities to go to the toilet. It's really hard because I also know losing my temper getting cross with these people will not help at all.
I actually want to ring them and say right young lady you are a receptionist your job is to communicate with the public, clients patients, service user whatever you want to call us. You are not smarter than me more importantly you aren't superior you are a cog in a wheel stop being pig headed and help me. Well that's the polite version.

I have felt really tearful and emotional since Sunday. I have felt like I just want to go to a desert island sit on the sand and watch the sea. I have started questioning my ability to do my role as a Slimming World Consultant, why would my partner want to be with me. This are all signs I know when my little brain says its had enough of all this crap. I also start eating rubbish because that helps me be really annoyed at myself too.

Yesterday I tried hard to pull myself off the pity Pott even went out to buy some nice healthy food. Went for a lovely coffee too couldn't bring myself to buy any ready done food all to high in syns but did make good choices. Felt much better but on coming home the caffeine in the coffee caused a massive bladder spasm and I couldn't get out of my chair. The inevitable happened one wet chair. Now this is a massive big deal to me I can't get the feeling onto the blog yet I wasn't going to write about this but this was one of the reasons I started this in the first place. It is OK not to be OK as the modern world says apart from when it's me.
So lots of washing to do with no washing machine good job got a mum. Also I have a couple of amazing friends who can help me laugh about these things and it's not the end of the world etc. I do know though it would not have happened if I hadn't been restricting fluids because I have no toilet facilities but that just makes me cross again.

Today I spent the morning cleaning I love cleaning can only do a stripe about 1m wide as I can't reach low or high. I have done my best. I have a clean bedroom and lounge not tidy but it's better well the stripe bit is clean the top shelves are dirty. This took about 3 hours and about 3 hours sleep afterwards this afternoon but it feels better.

My day off hasn't gone to plan haven't been out to play with my camera as planned but hopefully I feel refreshed enough to continue the fight for the toilet. The worrying thing is Clive is having major surgery in 6 weeks and can't lift me at all for 12 weeks. They will probably suggest I go in a nursing home again!!!!!

The kitchen work has stopped no idea when that will continue. I am off now to make a list for action toilet tomorrow.

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